You would have been about two months old by now. I can't help but wonder what life would have been like if everything had been different. I still think about who you would look like the most or if you'd be quiet or loud and keeping us up all the time. I might have gotten exhausted and frustrated back then, saying things like wanting you out as soon as possible, but I know better now. I know what to not take for granted anymore. As much as some things are unpleasant, there are far worse things in life than morning sickness and backaches and being too big to even see your feet. I would much rather know the sound of your cry than to never get the opportunity to hear it and it haunts me all the time.
I hoped it would be easier by now. In most ways it is, but then there are the cruel reminders that come back and hit you full force out of nowhere. Silly things too. Things I, as a human being, should be glady for, but then I'm not. It makes me feel selfish. How can I help it, though? I still feel that pang of irritation and resentment. I'm grateful for everything we have now, that we've been able to keep this time around, but it's not something that can be fixed so easily. What seems to come so easily to everyone else wasn't that easy on us. We didn't have that luxury of being oblivious and not living with fear. I still wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, worried something has happened again. We keep passing little milestones with her, and each one brings a sigh of relief but also a bit more tension. If something were to happen now? It would crush us more than it did before. We're attached.
Not that I wasn't attached to you too, I was. But we just can't go through that again. I don't know if I really believe in a god or heaven, but I can't picture you being anywhere else but there if you're not here with us about to celebrate your first Christmas. I don't know if you had any pull in it at all, but thank you for sending your sister our way and letting us have a second chance. Maybe you had bigger plans in store for your life than we could have given you, maybe you're a guardian angel now, but I'm glad to have even known you for a few weeks than to never have at all. You taught me so much about life in such a short amount of time, and I know we'll be better to your sister because of you.
Merry Christmas, I hope it's nice where you are.