Two years. So much has changed, we're different people than we were then. Where we used to be oblivious and ignorant, we know better now. We know the value of life and how quickly it can - and will - be taken. It gets easier to deal with, to comprehend, but I still don't understand it. I don't know if I ever will. Maybe we aren't supposed to know or understand it, it's just one of those things that is. It's almost worst knowing that Nic feels the sting of it still too, but I'd be more surprised if he didn't. It's something neither of us are likely to forget about. An unwanted anniversary that we never wanted to have created.
But it exists, and we're acknowledging it. Ignoring it will only make it worse.
I know things now that I didn't before. Sometimes the bad shit has to happen to pave the way for other things to happen, and this is one of the only times that I've actually believed in fate to a certain degree. I know that we're stronger than we initially gave ourselves credit for. We reached our breaking point but continued to bend so we wouldn't snap in half, we kept each other together. He never let me fully fall into the darkness that kept trying to grab me. Without it all, we wouldn't have Emma and I wouldn't want to know a life without that little monster in our life. It helped me appreciate even the unpleasant symptoms, I didn't mind it even then because it was worth it if I got to keep her. And we did. I know now that it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anything I did. Sometimes I still feel like it was, though.
For Nic, that morning is still vivid. For me, it's a blur. I remember what happened but it was like I was watching it from the outside. I remember the stain of red across the pale sheets, I remember the stabbing pain that had me doubled over when I tried to walk. I remember the cold dread that came over me. The sound of the machines still echo when I can't sleep at night. I'm so glad we moved houses. I couldn't have dealt with that silence haunting us anymore. I still hold onto the feeling that it would have been another girl, but maybe that's because Emma is. I'll never know if you were meant to cure cancer one day or be an international chef, but I know you helped us even if you weren't here long. I'll never even know your name.
We'll never know why you had to leave, why we couldn't hold onto that hope and all of the possibilities that were at the fingertips of all three of us, but I'm still glad we did know you for a short while. I'm glad you made Emma fill us with a renewed hope that I get to see in her big eyes every day.
