I don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I'm ecstatic. I definitely want more kids, and I'd like them to be close in age so they can grow up together and not have too many years between them to be close. And yet at the same time I'm fucking terrified. So many things could happen and go wrong, and I know it's probably a common fear, but I can't shake it.

What if it happens again? I don't know how I'll be able to handle losing another baby. The first time was bad enough. I was a fucking zombie for months, Nic had to convince me to go to a support group twice a month. He was really great during that though. He drove me each time and just waited in the parking lot until it was over, and no matter how many times I told him he didn't have to do that? He didn't falter. I love that man.

Then there's the stress of trying. What if we try for months and nothing happens? What if that turns into years? I like the idea of planning, not so much the uncertainty of the results. I guess it'll start with keeping track of when the best chances are, but one thing won't change: no sex schedule. We're young, we don't need a damn timetable of when and where to have sex. "Let me just pencil you in between dinner and Thursday night reruns, that's when my eggs will want to be besties with your swimmers."

Emma was an accident. Well not really an accident, accidents are something you regret and that couldn't be the furthest from the truth. She just wasn't actively tried and planned for. She was a surprise that I'm still in awe of every day.

But this time, it'll be at least somewhat planned for. No more birth control pill, condoms have been stashed away, and I'm back to taking prenatal vitamins just in case and cutting back on alcohol pretty much altogether. If we're doing this, I'm going to do everything I can to create a healthy environment. I know it's dumb, I know that had nothing to do with losing our first, but every little bit helps right?

Although his plan of not stopping with kids until we get a son is not happening. I'm not turning into a fucking water park.

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