This isn't so much of an update as it is me still trying to mend whatever broken pieces together that I can. I saw this article a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since. "Why I'm Grateful for My Miscarriage," or something to that effect. For so long I've associated it with nothing but negativity, with grief. Which is okay, because how can you possibly feel grateful about that? About seeing that life fluttering around in there, making you ill, and then the next moment it's just... gone. It vanishes into nothing but a puddle of blood that saturates through your clothes and the bed sheets and covers your husband's fingertips from when he felt it while you were asleep. There's nothing left but the memory of the crippling pain that accompanied it, and the constant whirring of machines at the hospital as they remove the last of what's left of what used to be a baby. It's crushing and suffocating.
I've learned to accept it. It's part of who we are now. Uncertain parents in the making only to have it torn from us without getting our fair chance. It's a ghost that will always linger and try to clutch at our hearts, but he or she already had part of mine. But while reading this article, I realized the writer was correct. I am grateful for it, in a way. It's not a path I would have chosen for us, and I would give anything to be just as oblivious to this pain as so many lucky parents are. But with that pain and grief also came strength, and I think it uncovered aspects of us that we didn't know existed. For me, it was an actual desire to have a child instead of having a, "well if it happens that's cool but I don't want to try" attitude about it. It also brought out a bitterness in me that I never knew I possessed. I don't like that side of me much, but there it is. So ready and willing to resent and cringe. I doubt I'm alone in that though. Actually, I know I'm not. I know a lot of women feel the same way so I know I'm not just being ridiculous. But for all that we've had to endure and for the incredible thing that we had to lose, we gained so much in return, including this "rainbow baby." Which is a term I didn't really understand until recently when it rained, and now I get it.
So to try and put a healthier spin on this, and maybe make this into something a little therapeutic, here's my own list of why I'm grateful:
1. What divides you can also bring you closer together. Everyone grieves differently, and it was a traumatizing experience (I don't know how some women can go through it repeatedly, you have all of my respect) but in the end it made Nic and I closer. We were more compassionate toward each other and I think we learned how to communicate better. I know I learned to appreciate him more, and it just made me realize how lucky I am to have him by my side. I couldn't have gone through this with anyone else.
2. It made me realize how much I really wanted to become a mom. I was kind of iffy on the idea before, I didn't think I'd be a good mom. Kids scream a lot and that used to make me cringe in irritation. Now I just grin when I hear them. (Although dont get me wrong, I still have my moments but that's usually when I'm at the Park and moms with strollers are ruthless. I won't just run over someone's foot just cause I have one of those.) But now I know I want a family with Nic, even if we have no idea what we're doing because we're definitely new at this. We have people around us who love us and will help us along, so I feel comfortable jumping into this with him. He'll be a great dad and I already know our relationship is strong enough to handle this.
3. I'm more grateful in general toward pregnancy, I think. I'm going to be honest: it hasn't all been pleasant. I spent hours upon hours in the bathroom with my head in the toilet, feeling like I was going to die and the only thing that could settle me was the cold tile or an ice pack. Nic tried to help, but what can you do for your wife who's dealing with morning sickness? It's not fun, but I was happy for it. It meant I was still pregnant, that I hadn't lost this one. I would spend every single day of this pregnancy with my face in the toilet if it meant she was safe and still in there, I'm not going to be begging for her to just come out already because I want her to stay in there for as long as she possibly can. I don't care about whatever symptoms I get - it's worth it, and I won't complain, I won't whine. I have no reason to. I know the flip side of this and I know how awful that is. Bring on the sore back and the sciatica and the swollen feet and sleepless nights. I want them all and if it brings her to me safely? I'm game. The end most definitely justifies the means.
4. None of this is about me - it's about her. I've been living my life for her since the moment I found out I was pregnant again. I've cut out things I love from my diet, I'm eating way healthier than I ever have, I try to get as much sleep as possible and I keep track of everything. I don't care about how big I get or if my body never goes back to normal - what's it matter? Who cares if there are stretch marks or my ass ends up being bigger than it was? Suddenly my own body image has improved. I no longer see it as something I need to make better, or if I gained a few pounds. I'm helping to create another life (which is a lot of work and I've been getting more tired lately to where some days all I want to do is nap and eat) that's more important to me than my own and who is already teaching me so much more about life than I knew before. Like how to be compassionate and that while it's okay to be selfish sometimes, and it's still a learning process for me to stop and take a moment for myself, I know all of my selfish moments right now also benefit her. It's really put life into perspective and shifted some of my priorities around. It was still halfway about me last February, but the second I lost that baby... it wasn't anymore. It was about the life we'd lost. This one is kind of all over the place, I don't even know if this can count as a reason to be grateful but I keep forgetting where I'm at because I'm tired but I can't sleep. So: I'm grateful for the perspective the miscarriage gave me.
5. I have a better appreciation toward life. It can be taken in an instant and your entire world is turned upside down. It could be there, flickering on the screen one moment and gone the next. It's made me want to live it instead of just being alive. I appreciate just sitting on the beach and feeling the water from the waves wash up against my feet, or the times where we're just laying on the couch together while watching whatever happens to be on the TV at the time. I knew life was all about the little moment before, but I realize it even more now. I don't want to be one of those people who dedicates every moment to work and a career. Sure, it's fulfilling, but at the end of the road what do you have? Your family and those little moments of in between. I'm never going to take that for granted again because one day when it's taken from me in one of those split seconds, I'm going to regret it if I don't.
